Lambda the Ultimate

Maybe I should have read this book, but I fear there really isn't any rhyme or reason to sex. Then again, I sometimes have the impression that, when it comes to women, I stop using my brain and, if I could remember to keep it switched on, I might have more resounding successes. On the other hand, part of the pleasure of romance is being irrational and passionate. On the other other hand, "it's our wits that make us men." On the other other other...

Sigh.

Excuse me while I go crawl into a dark corner and contemplate my own stupidity. (Where did I go wrong?)

or take night classes in weaving (my plan b, should it ever be necessary - i hope all the single women don't taking classes in car maintenance with same idea in mind; maybe we'd meet in the corridor)

just don't leave academia, in case you change you mind - you won't believe how good you've got it in the meeting single/smart/attractive people department until you're sitting in a cubicle wondering where they all went.

At the moment it's difficult to concentrate on anything except the "Self-pity Pattern".

Frankly, I think the best way to emerge from this funk is not asceticism but rather to get back on the horse as quickly as possible. But this time I will try to apply the scientific method.

Note to self: Must investigate those two cute girls at the Mission UK concert this week. (Yes! They're playing right here in Utrecht! Awesome.)

just don't leave academia, in case you change you mind - you won't believe how good you've got it in the meeting single/smart/attractive people department until you're sitting in a cubicle wondering where they all went.

I've discovered that, for me, academia is really about the last place to look for potential mates or, indeed, even close friends. (I could make an exception for Philippa Gardner, though... wow, what a classy lady.) It's one thing to be able to work with people and discuss intellectual matters; quite another to be able to spend a fun night out with them or get intimate. Working in academia is really completely different from being an undergraduate student, at least here in NL.

Besides, I think I am probably the only gothic CS researcher in... well, the Netherlands for sure, but perhaps the world?

Me: (Where did I go wrong?)

Oh, and I figured this one out: I gave the wrong answer to, "Do you want to come over to my place?"

Further note to self: Never, ever again sleep with non-goths (except perhaps ones who write PhD theses on representing logics in type theory).

Besides, I think I am probably the only gothic CS researcher in... well, the Netherlands for sure, but perhaps the world?

(Deliberately misreading)What's gothic CS, then?

(sotto voce, basso profundo)One day...one day...

Now we can get off my lovelife and back to less important things. :)

Oh but first, pursuant to my newfound desire to apply rational methods to courting, I uncovered a valuable resource: the Social Issues Research Centre's Guide to Flirting. Really, you have to read this thing; it's like the only thing I've ever read which gives concrete, practical, scientifically derived advice on this subject, and is full of interesting tidbits like:

• "When you first meet new people, their initial impression of you will be based 55% on your appearance and body-language, 38% on your style of speaking and only 7% on what you actually say."
• "When flirting, you can also use postural echo to create a feeling of togetherness and harmony. Experiments have shown that although people are not consciously aware of someone deliberately 'echoing' their postures, they will evaluate a person who does this more favourably. If you 'echo' your partner's postures, he/she will not only feel more at ease in your company, but will perceive you as more like-minded."
• "Let's say your target smiles at you. How do you know whether this smile is spontaneous or manufactured? There are four ways of telling the difference. First, spontaneous smiles produce characteristic wrinkles around the eyes, which will not appear if your target is 'forcing' a smile out of politeness. Second, 'forced' or 'social' smiles tend to be asymmetrical (stronger on the left side of the face in right-handed people and on the right side of the face in left-handed people).The third clue to insincerity is in the timing of the smile: unspontaneous smiles tend to occur at socially inappropriate moments in the conversation (e.g. a few seconds after you have made a funny remark, rather than immediately). Finally, there is a clue in the duration of the smile, as a manufactured smile tends to be held for longer (what is often called a 'fixed' smile) and then to fade in an irregular way."
• "So, how do you know when it is your turn to speak? Pauses are not necessarily an infallible guide - one study found that the length of the average pause during speech was 0.807 seconds, while the average pause between speakers was shorter, only 0.764 seconds. In other words, people clearly used signals other than pauses to indicate that they had finished speaking."

(BTW, on fake smiles see also the BBC's Spot The Fake Smile.)

well, i thought it was funny. apologies for being way off-topic and possibly ascribing steroptypes that are not in any way supported by real science (i did think, while walking to work this morning, that if i were a female reader of this place, i might well think twice about posting after a thread like this - is that a valid worry, and should we be more careful about what we say? i think it's a pity that we don't have more people posting, whatever sex, and from some previous comments of ehud's i think he's worried about cliqueiness...)

he's worried about cliqueiness

Not that I want to start a "what is a real goth" thread ;-} , but those guys definitely look like they dressed up for Hallowe'en (note the date).

No subtlety or sincerity...

I hope at least they are good PL researchers. ;-)

Searching for "postural echoing" and "postural congruence", I couldn't find any mention of that. This page seems to suggest that it isn't sex-linked:

Scheflen also points out how old friends will often shift into postural congruence when they are disagreeing, almost as if to signal that their relationship continues amicably despite the temporary disagreement.

Of course, the research could be out of date.

i did think, while walking to work this morning, that if i were a female reader of this place, i might well think twice about posting after a thread like this

Right, because females don't date, flirt or have sex. ;)

But seriously, if women feel uncomfortable replying to this thread, I think it would have more to do with cliquishness than sexism. (I haven't seen any misogynistic remarks in this thread so far, and don't think I've made any.)

Daniel: There are a few goths in Rice...

haha, I busted out laughing when I saw that.

Very amusing. They look more like refugees from KISS than goths, but...

Marc: Not that I want to start a "what is a real goth" thread ;-} , but those guys definitely look like they dressed up for Hallowe'en (note the date).

Undoubtedly. In fact, if this is the same David Schwartz, he must lead an amazing double life. And Ben McMahan, also pictured here, does not strike me even as a weekender.

But seriously, I can't think of any Goths in the CS department here at Birmingham. There is a Goth social club; I know 'cause I met them on the train. I remember one of them did Philosophy and another did Psychology. US degree breakdowns by gender are at http://nces.ed.gov/programs/digest/d02/tables/dt255.asp You might have better off getting out of CS (84% of PhDs male) into, say, psychology (68% of PhDs female).

> Never, ever again sleep with non-goths

Too bad, I know a nice Jewish girl that's just right for you ...

You are assuming that being a goth is simply about music.

You need to read something like: What is a goth?

Wilbur and Orville Wright were over 30 in 1903. By a little. On the other hand, they never married.

Good grief. I would rather eat my own intestines.

When you've recast yourself as a mad "creative" type the ladies will come flocking!

Well, a) I already consider myself the mad, creative type and b) the problem is not so much that I cannot attract women, but rather that I cannot attract many women who interest me.

You might have better off getting out of CS (84% of PhDs male) into, say, psychology (68% of PhDs female).

Right, the male/female ratio is an excellent reason to discard my current salary, completely change the direction of my life, squander my existing accomplishments and spend the next ten years retooling myself for psychology. :/ And, by then I would be so old that my chances with nubile young psych trainees would be, well, significantly less.

Chris: Whatever you do, don't get too involved.

Ah, I saw that article once too. But I am already (as of last month) over 30, and was never a genius in any case so I think there is nothing to worry about.

John Reppy of CML fame wasn't a goth, but was a punk

Interesting. I know a, er, boatload of punks. In fact, I know many more punks than I do goths. Perhaps I should follow Reppy's lead and rename Arrow to something more gothic...?

Marc: Not that I want to start a "what is a real goth" thread

Daniel: Perhaps we should, Ehud isn't here... ;)

"I am so goth that when I walk into a room all the lights go out." and other such jokes here.

Dan: I hope this isn't too personal a question but why should your taste in music have such a profound influence on your lifestyle?

As Marc said, it is more than music: it's a lifestyle, a subculture, a set of values and ideals and aesthetics. Goths tend to have more things in common and share more of the same views than do goths and casuals (non-goths).

Also, of course, there are also practical reasons for not dating casuals. For example, I go to gothic clubs, parties, concerts and festivals whenever I can and I would rather not go alone, or be tempted by gothic women there while wondering if my girlfriend is being seduced by some casual pretty boy (or, god forbid, a raver!) elsewhere.

And then there is the simple fact that casuals tend to find goths scary, weird, aloof, impenetrable or whatever. Not that I am particularly scary or weird as goths go. Once I went out with a casual girl who was, I think, put off by the way I dressed (I was wearing eyeliner too) when we went to a `normal' concert together where all her friends were. That girl was also really into her own music, and even though I kept repeating that I thought the band at that concert was very good and that I liked them (which was true), I don't think she believed me. In a way, I think she felt threatened by the "depth" of my interest in a different genre of music. That is something I've experienced several times going out with non-gothic women. It's a bit odd.

Anyway, it all boils down to the fact that goths feel rather alienated and misunderstood. (Of course, we also revel in it, but you should keep that under your hat. :)

Too bad, I know a nice Jewish girl that's just right for you ...

Yeah? I know a nice dominatrix that's just right for you, Dan. :)

Too late, have been married for eight years so I've got my personal dominatrix at home (actually I have two - my 2 year old daughter. She can dominate with the best of them ;-)

Lugosi would be a cool name....